#why do only bad miserable awful things happen to me

[tragedygf]

hurt my toe so bad i think the nail broke a bit

[eggmeralda]

I thought the october curse was gonna be skipped this year based on the fact I got a job on the first day but like. it turns out that was the bad luck disguising itself at good news and it's just another normal october

[borderline-sanity]

GRWM as I ✨Wake Up with a Panic Attack✨

** None of this is medical advice, and is just a system I’ve worked on for myself. Everybody is different, everyone is in different circumstances.**

When it comes to the fight or flight instinct during panic attacks, I’m 100% a flight person.

I’ve dealt with panic attacks since high school and have been diagnosed with panic disorder. In high school I lived in constant fear of having an attack, which caused the attacks. It was all very cyclical. I have them less often now, but they still happen from time to time.

My go to method is to mix comforting and uncomfortable sensations and to overstimulate myself. I’ve tried deep breathing and relaxing music and the things that should logically help. But they always made me feel worse because I’m acknowledging the panic in such a head on fashion. I try to ground and overstimulate as many senses as I can, so I don’t have the energy or space to feel the panic anymore.

The initial terror, it���s going to happen. How fast you can pivot depends on the severity of the panic.

I tell myself I’m an expert in panic attack management. I have over 12 years of experience in the field and have worked tirelessly to perfect my methods. I have to convince myself I’m a pro at this, and have a 100% success rate of not imploding from anxiety. I narrate what I’m going to do and why it helps me specifically, basically what I’m doing here.

—-

My first stop is consistently my bathroom. I go through my bin of old lotions and pick a scent I have specially set aside for panic attacks. I use something that’s way too overpowering, but having something that smells bad to you is also an option. Sometimes I’ll use two different smells. The goal is to have a scent to ground you.

When I have a panic attack, my body fails at temperature regulation. Typically my feet are cold and clammy. So, I like to run some hot water in the tub and just stand in it for awhile. As I’m standing there, I apply whatever lotion or perfume I grabbed. Once my feet are warmed up, I get out of the tub and only sorta dry my feet. Then I put socks on my damp feet. Why? Because I hate the way it feels. And that harmless discomfort is going to distract me as I make my way to the next room.

I pick up a hoodie from the closet. Since I don’t know which way my temperature is going to flux, it’s nice to have on hand. I also have a big comfy shawl I use only during panic attacks.

I have to go down stairs to get to my kitchen. I take them really slow, especially with the damp sock situation. If I’m feeling too weak, I’ll just sit down and scoot down them. My instinct is flight, so staying in one room too long is no good. I usually feel safer being on the ground floor.

—-

Things might get messy in the kitchen, but that’s for future you to deal with. I used to keep a fresh lemon in the house at all times, but have moved away from that, opting for lemon juice. You can either bite into a lemon, or swish some lemon juice in your mouth and spit it out. A benefit of a fresh lemon is that it’s more messy. You’ll have lemon juice on your face and hands and that stickiness, at least for me, is an awful sensation.

You’re going to chase the lemon down with something else. I like to grab sour candy, like Warheads. But something like Pop Rocks also works. Picking an opposite flavor, like pudding or beef jerky is an option. You’re just trying to overload your tastebuds by making another harmless, but powerful distraction.

Alternatively, this step can be done when you’re in the bathroom. Swishing mouth wash and following it up with something sour is miserable. The face I make in the mirror is ridiculous and sometimes that’s enough to help soothe me.

—-

Like I said, I’m a flight person. So the next steps I either do pacing the house or on a treadmill. It just depends how steady my legs are feeling.

I grab my headphones, connected to my phone, and my tablet. I put the headphones on one ear and play music. The music is going to change every time. Sometimes you want something soothing, sometimes you want something loud. Sometimes you want music you love, sometimes you want music you hate. Having different playlists prepped helps you figure out what you’re in the mood for. I think one hit wonders are also a great option. There’s a familiarity and nostalgia that just hits the spot sometimes.

There are a few options for the tablet. You can put on a movie or tv show, and listen with your un-headphoned ear. I also like doing crossword puzzles or logic puzzles. It usually goes poorly, but I get so wrapped up in it. I’ve also found ‘Simon Says’ videos and follow those. Anything challenging and low stakes works here.

And this is where things usually begin to ease up. If my legs are too wobbly, I’ll just lie on the floor. Sometimes I go back to the lemon juice / sour candy. But eventually, my body is just exhausted and overstimulated. And there’s no more room for panic.

Once I feel myself winding down, I’ll get an electrolyte heavy drink. My go to is Pedialyte Zero Sugar packets but it doesn’t really matter what you use. I’ll have something light to eat if I feel up to it, usually just crackers.

When the panic has finally eases up and I feel safe again, I’m usually left exhausted. I fall asleep wherever I land, usually on the floor because it just feels nice and sturdy. When I wake up, I take care of any messes I left behind. And I drink more water.

—-

Important Notes and Additional Tactics:

Drink lots of water. Just have water dead drops everywhere.

Make it a point to keep yourself stocked up on supplies. Future you needs to restock supplies and put things back for next time.

Fidget toys are great and should also be in every room if possible. I like to use different ones depending on which room I’m in, just to keep up variety.

Ice cubes under the armpits or on the back of the neck are great. I guess anywhere works, I just find the cold distracting. As they melt, I’m left with water on my clothes. Similar to the damp socks, I hate this feeling.

My plant misting bottle stays in the kitchen and I’ll use it to spray my face or arms. Having glasses makes this more annoying, which is the goal.

I personally like to turn on as many lights as I can, but I understand this isn’t always possible.

Stepping outside can be helpful, just be mindful about it.

Reach out to people if that’s an option and you’re comfortable with it.

Walk through your routine when you aren’t in the middle of a panic attack. Developing this type of muscle memory helps you to be familiar and prepared. Remember, you’re the expert in panic attacks.

Take time to reflect on things. The day after a panic attack, I find a quiet place. I think back to everything I was feeling and who I was during the panic attack. And I talk to that past version of me and comfort her. Sometimes I find it easier to write it all out.

—-

I typed this while experiencing a panic attack. Usually I just narrate these things to myself. Recently, my older brother has started having attacks similar to mine. My hope is that sharing what I do to get myself through a panic attack will help at least one person. It is truly one of the most defeating and vulnerable experiences. I feel like I’ve lost so much time to my anxiety, I’d like to think I can help someone avoid the same struggles my younger self dealt with.

**None of this is medical advice, and is just a system I’ve worked on for myself. Everybody is different, everyone is in different circumstances.

[babymetaldoll]

BFF (Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader)

Summary: Spencer meets his best friend from school after 12 years apart.  Requested: Yes, a million years ago... sorry for the delay!   Warnings: None. I don't even think I cursed.  Category: Hardcore fluff  A/N: Hey!! I'm still alive!  Masterlist

Spencer Reid knew he had fallen in love. It happened when he was just eight years old and his heart had never beat for another girl again, not the same way after he met her. (Y/N), his neighbor, three doors down the block.  

Never, and he was 24 years old already.

It all started on a random afternoon after school. 

- “You are such a nerd, Reid!”- Spencer heard a boy yelling as he shoved him down to the ground. Reid grabbed his glasses and made sure to keep them safe and in place, even when he was on the ground. The other kid, Lucas, was two years older, and for some other reason, that was nothing but kids being cruel, he had always treated Spencer like scum. And that day wasn’t the exception. 

- “Why are you so mean?”- Spencer whispered as he tried to stand up, but Lucas shoved him back to the ground, mocking him. 

- “Why are you so mean”- and the kid chuckled- “I don’t know, why are you such a baby?”

- “Didn’t your mom tell you you should never hit a kid wearing glasses?”- (Y/N) shouted as she stared at the scene from a safe distance, holding her bike. Spencer turned to look at her and for a moment, he thought what he was feeling was a panic attack. His heart kept beating faster and faster as he stared at the girl in awe.

- “Stay out of this, girl”- Lucas yelled and clenched his fist looking at little (Y/N). But she didn’t seem to be afraid. In fact, she left the bike on the ground and walked a few steps closer. 

- “Why are you calling me “girl” like it’s a bad thing?” 

Spencer looked at her with wide-open eyes. Sixteen years had passed since that day, but he could never forget the way she stood completely fearless in front of a bigger boy, and crossed her arms on her chest, almost daring him to reply. 

- “Why are you defending the nerd? Are you in love with him?”- Lucas teased and shoved the girl. But instead of tumbling or even falling, the girl moved faster and kicked him right in the balls. Lucas yelled and fell on the grass, crying in pain. (Y/N) quickly grabbed her bike and turned to Spencer. 

- “This is when you run!” 

He had never felt his heart skip a beat the way it did that day. He was only eight years old, and it never happened again. 

- “What’s your name?”- the girl asked when they reached her front porch, running away from danger. 

- “Spencer”- he whispered as he tried to catch his breath.

- “I’m (Y/N), do you want some juice?”

And just like that, Spencer Reid had a friend. He followed her into her house and froze when he saw two older kids, around Luca’s age, in the living room watching tv. 

- “Those are my brothers, you can ignore them. I do.”- she explained as she kept walking. 

- “So you finally made a friend or are you forcing the kid to hang out with you?”- one of them asked and the other chuckled. But (Y/N) didn’t reply. She walked straight to the fridge, grabbed two juice boxes and some cookies, and continued her way to the backyard. Spencer followed her closely, climbed to her treehouse with her, and shared a snack. 

That was the first of many afternoons they spent together. In the years to follow, (Y/N) and Spencer became best friends. It didn’t matter that he was already in high school by the time she was in middle school. He always took the time to help her with her homework and tutored her in math and chemistry. And she always got his back. Whenever there was a bully around, an asshole making him miserable, or anyone trying to make fun of Spencer, she was there. Kicking ass. 

Kids in school would make fun of them, telling them she was his bodyguard, his guard dog. Someone even drew them in the gym locker room. Spencer was a bunny and (Y/N) was a wolf. It was supposed to make them mad, but they didn’t care. They had their own bubble, their world. And they loved it there. 

Until Spencer had to go. They were twelve, and Spencer had already graduated from high school. Caltech was waiting for him. 

(Y/N) stood by the car as Diana loaded a few boxes. They had to move to Pasadena, and even though neither of them said a thing about their feelings, it was clearly heartbreaking for the two of them.   

- “You are not gonna cry, are you?”- she joked as Spencer tightened his jaw and cleaned his glasses with his shirt. He didn’t reply, he was in fact, fighting the tears back. 

- “Who is gonna save your ass whenever you are in trouble now?”- (Y/N) asked and punched Spencer’s arm softly- “I should have taught you how to fight. You could have a black belt by now.” 

- “Did you know the best age to start martial arts class with a good balance of discipline and commitment is from eight to twelve-year-old?”- Spencer blurted facts because that was the only thing that made him feel safe. 

- “Well, make sure you take a self-defense course in Caltech or whatever. Don’t let anyone kick your ass”- she added and he friend just nodded. They stared in silence for a moment, until Diana called her son, ready to go. 

- “So… see you around?”- (Y/N) simply said and Spencer nodded. 

- “Can I write to you?”

- “Sure! can I send you my homework, so you can do it for me?”- both of them chuckled. Spencer wanted to hug her, but even after all those years, he still didn’t feel comfortable enough to do it. So he just waved, and she waved back, and before he could comprehend what was happening, he was in a car with his mom, driving from his home to a new destination.     

- “I’m gonna miss you.”- (Y/N) whipped off the tears from her eyes as she stood in the middle of the sidewalk staring at the car. She didn’t know why she couldn’t just tell her best friend those words instead of making fun of him, but she figured she didn’t want him to think she was weak. He made her feel that way. Weak. Soft. Giddy. Nervous. 

She had a crush on him, obviously. No wonder why she had spent over four years defending him from every bully in school. She never told him, though. She felt so stupid, so silly, and so freaking girly, she couldn’t stand it. So she locked her feelings, hid them underneath thousand sarcastic, witty comments    

- “Bye, (Y/N)”- Spencer whispered, staring at her through the rearview mirror, as tears kept falling from his eyes. He knew his heart was breaking, and there was nothing he could do about it. 

Skip twelve years, and Spencer still cherished every letter he had shared with (Y/N). They had long stopped writing to each other, but he always wanted to find her again. He missed her, like a part of his life that had been ripped from his chest, from his fingers. From his heart. But life was now filled with chaos. He worked at the BAU, he chased serial killers for a living. He didn’t have time for his personal life. He only had time for work. 

- “Local police department asked us to assist on a case”- Hotch announced early that morning at the briefing meeting of the team. Spencer looked at the Unit Chief and nodded, taking notes on the case they had to help with. They had worked with the local police a bunch of times, and so far it had been a good experience. 

- “I heard there is a new Sergeant in that department.”- Morgan comments as he drove with Spencer to the city police office - “As far as I know, she is very young but severe. Some of the officials said they were scared of her.” 

- “Most men are threatened by female bosses.”- Spencer replied, reading the case file for the fifth time during the trip. He didn’t take his eyes off the paper as he added - “A study indicates that women in positions of authority meet with more resistance in their interactions with male employees because those men perceive female bosses as a threat to their masculinity.”

- “And how would you deal with a female boss? Can you picture a woman as Unit Chief?”- Derek was just teasing his friend, mostly ‘cos he was bored.  

- “I don’t feel threatened by women.”- Spencer nearly stuttered as he replied, which made his words considerably unbelievable. 

- “Yeah, that’s not what I remember from the last time you talked with a woman.”- Morgan just chuckled and shook his head. 

- “Shut up.” 

Hotch, Gideon, Elle, Morgan, and Spencer walked into the police station. The Unit Chief and Gideon headed straight to the chief’s office, and the rest of the team waited in the bullpen. Most of the officers were there, doing paperwork, nothing out of the ordinary. Until one voice captured Spencer’s attention. 

- “How many times do I have to tell you, Smith? You can’t make that kind of desitions on your own? What if someone got hurt again?”- (Y/N) was scolding a young official, who glued his eyes to the floor, embarrassed. - “Now go before you get another suspension.” 

- “(Y/N)?”- Spencer whispered and turned to her. He was beyond shocked, not even in his wildest dreams he thought he would see her again. 

- “It’s Sergeant (Y/L/N).”- (Y/N) corrected and looked at the young agent. And for a moment, she forgot where she was. She opened her mouth, but not even one word came from her lips. There he was, her first love, looking cuter than ever. 

- “Hi.”- Reid mumbled and waved. She stood in the middle of the police office and simply stared at him in silence. 

No one understood what was going on. Morgan looked at Elle, who just shrugged. Everybody at that office was confused. The officials had never seen their Sergeant being emotional, and it was clear she was having a moment, right there in front of everybody.  

Suddenly, (Y/N) took a step closer to Reid, and then another, until she stood right in front of him and wrapped his arms around his neck. He moved immediately and hugged her tight. That was the very first time they hugged. 

- “Are you really here?”- she whispered and giggled, moving from him and staring t him with a big smile - “Is it really you, Spencer Walter Reid?”

- “Walter?”- Elle tried not to laugh and looked at Morgan, who seemed to be trying not to laugh as well. 

- “When did you move to DC?”- Spencer asked, staring at his best friend, neither of them moving from each other’s embrace. 

- “Last month! How long have you been here?”

- “Two years. I lost track of you after Caltech. I missed you.”- Spencer confessed right away, and (Y/N) nodded. 

- “Me too… and what are you doing here?” 

- “The team was called to collaborate on a case.” 

- “You are with the FBI?”- (Y/N) wide opened her eyes, surprised- “Look at you, Smarty.” 

- “Reid.”- Hotch interrupted their reunion and took them back to reality in a second. (Y/N) let Spencer go immediately and stood straight. 

- “Nice to meet you. Seargent (Y/L/N).”- (Y/N) extended her hand to Hotch, who shook it right away.- “The Chief told us you were coming to help with the case. Thank you for your time.”

- “(Y/N) is my best friend from school.”- Spencer explained to Hotch, and the team because they were all carefully listening. 

- “Nice to meet you. I was just talking with the Chief, we are meeting at the briefing room now.” 

Both (Y/N) and Spencer nodded and started walking, following the team. They had to make a major effort to focus on work. Neither of them could take their eyes off each other. Spencer kept smiling the whole time and looking at his best friend in adoration. Meanwhile, (Y/N) tried her best to remain calm. She felt exactly as she did when she was twelve. Her defense was down, Spencer made her feel weak and in love. Who knew first crushes could last that long? 

By the end of the day, a team of police officials plus Morgan, Elle, and Hotch had gone after the unsub. Spencer, and (Y/N) remained at the station, along with the Chief and Gideon. 

- “I still can’t believe you are here.”- Spencer whispered and looked at (Y/N), as the two of them stood in the middle of the kitchenette, getting another cup of coffee. 

- “Me neither.” 

- “I have so much to tell you. How are your brothers?” 

- “Married and with kids. I still can’t believe they are responsible grown-ups.” 

- “I might need proof to believe that as well.”- Reid smiled and (Y/N) chuckled at his words- “My mom still remembers you.” 

- “How is she? I miss her classes and her reading sessions.”- Spencer opened his mouth to reply, but Gideon interrupted him. 

- “They got him, we are ready to go.”- Reid nodded and turned to (Y/N), who sighed and cut him a short smile. 

- “At what time does your shift end?”- the young agent asked her.

- “Two and a half hours ago, yours?”- she replied with a soft chuckle. 

- “I think I am free now… do you want a better quality coffee?”- both of them smiled and looked at the mugs. 

- “And maybe something to eat. I’m starving.” 

- “Are you still a fan of Mexican food?”- Spencer asked and (Y/N) could barely hide the blush on her cheeks.

- “You still remember that?”

- “I remember everything.”

Reid and (Y/N) walked around after dinner. They had spent their time catching up with everything they had done since the last letter they had shared. He told her about college, his master's degrees, and PhDs. She told him about how she became a sergeant at such young age, and how she ended up in Washington DC. 

They walked arm in arm under the starry sky, like time hadn’t passed by. They talked about everything they might think of. But there was one question Spencer needed to ask her before the night was finished.  

- “I sent you so many letters after Caltech, but they all came back. They said “Not at this address”. Why didn’t you tell me you were moving?” 

And that was the one question (Y/N) wasn’t longing to reply. 

- “You were my best friend. My only friend and you disappeared. Why?”- Spencer stopped walking and looked at (Y/N). She sighed and bit her lips, trying to find the right words to explain her truth. It was hard, and she had tried her best to avoid it for too long. But if life had put Spencer back in her path, she couldn’t escape anymore. 

- “I’m sorry I hurt you, Spencer.”- she whispered and took a few seconds before she added - “That wasn’t my intention.” 

- “Then why did you disappear?” 

- “I needed some distance”- she tried to explain, but Spencer frowned. 

- “You and your family had moved to New York, I was in Los Angeles. We hadn’t seen each other in years. That wasn’t enough distance to you?”- (Y/N) had never heard Spencer raise his voice, but to be fair, they hadn’t talked about their feelings ever before. 

- “I needed to get over you!”- she murmured and bit her lips one more time, obviously nervous about his reaction. She was trying to be honest. - “I couldn’t continue in love with my best friend forever. I had to move on! I was already eighteen and I never even had a date, ‘cos I was waiting for you.” 

Spencer stared at her in shock. Of all the answers he thought he might get, that was not the one he imagined. He thought she was bored of him and grew tired of his letters. That she had more interesting things to do with her life than talking with a pen pal. 

(Y/N) sighed, relieved to take that from her chest, but scared of Spencer’s answer. She stared at him for a few seconds, but he didn’t react. So, she continued walking and slowly left him behind. 

Spencer tried to connect all that info, but he couldn’t believe it. He stared at her back as she walked and called out her name, jogging. 

- “(Y/N), wait.” 

- “No Spencer, it’s ok. You don’t have to say anything. I’m sorry I was so immature and hurt your feelings. I didn’t mean to… I wasn’t… I am so sorry.”- she blurted out and kept looking at her feet as she spoke. 

- “Don’t be.”- the young SSA whispered and held her hands. She raised his eyes and stared into his. She could still see the same sweet kid she had met at eight years old. - “I am sorry I never told you how I felt either. I was just so scared to lose you, and I lost you anyway.”

The two of them stayed in silence, processing what had just happened. Neither of them moved. Neither of them knew what to say next. So they just stood in silence for a few minutes, Spencer kept holding her hands the entire time, slowly and carefully caressing her fingers. 

- “So… what now?”- she finally whispered and Spencer sighed. 

- “Would… you… like… going out on a date with me?”- he asked and (Y/N) was unable to control the smile on her face. 

- “Are you serious? What did we just have? Dinner and ice cream count as a date.”- she teased him and Spencer blushed immediately.  

- “Ok, would you like to go on another date with me?” 

- “I would love to.”- she replied and started walking again, this time hand in hand with Spencer. He chuckled and stared at her from time to time. 

- “What is it?”- (Y/N) asked, knowing he was looking at her. Spencer chucked again and stopped walking. 

- “If this was a date…”- but he couldn’t finish his question, ‘cos (Y/N) held his face with both hands and kissed him. It was short and childish, and both of them seemed shocked after they parted. 

- “... I was wondering if I could walk you home?”- Spencer finished asking, and (Y/N) closed her eyes embarrassed, and even held her breath. 

- “Sorry… I thought you were….”- but this time, she couldn’t finish talking ‘cos Spencer held her face and kissed her. But that kiss was neither short nor childish. It was sweet and slow. Spencer kept rubbing his lips against hers, making her feel the entire world had stopped spinning. 

- “Sorry… I couldn’t help myself.”- he whispered as he moved his lips from hers, still cupping her cheeks with both hands. 

- “It’s ok.”- she managed to murmur as she giggled. - “I wanted to kiss you since we were twelve years old.” 

- “Me too.”- he confessed and looked at her blushy cheeks, knowing he looked the same.

- “So, are you gonna walk me home?”- (Y/N) asked and felt Spencer hold her hand as they started walking again. He intertwined his fingers with her and turned to her for a second as they started talking again. He knew this time he wasn’t going to let her go.  

Taglist General @spenxerslut @ash19871962 @muffin-cup @cynbx @meowiemari

Taglist Spencer @calm-and-doctor @malboroniights @lovejules888

[lovelyyandereaddictionpoint]

Yandere Manager

Managers can teeter on the edge of being the most helpful and supportive authorities in your life or the worst. More often leaning toward the latter, it isn’t bizarre to feel helpless when they put a strain on your paycheck or your general health during and outside the work day. It’s infuriating and downright despairful when they use the power of management to make you miserable. But you can always file a report to HR or the branch head. Sometimes it’ll work but not always. More likely than not there’s more support for them further down the line which makes it even harder to contest. 

“(Y/n) didn’t I tell you to smile when you’re at the front? S-M-I-L-E!”

But there’s something just as alarming about the manager who doesn’t have that. No favor from directors, open to the reprimands of human resources, and even a criminal record to boot. There’s something that compels you to listen when you look for an ounce of sympathy in those amber eyes to find a tempest of unhinged madness. You can only begin to visualize in a fever-driven nightmare. 

That’s your manager. 

The lovely, awful, and disastrous manager that fills you with helplessness like no other. 

Yandere Manager is just so naggy. Not only to you but your coworkers as well because there’s always something to comment on. Even when it’s not insulting or condescending it just rubs everyone the wrong way. 

“The way the uniform looks on you makes it look like we dragged you off the street.”

“....”

“....You’re the one who gave her a uniform that isn’t her size.”

“Yeah, but she’s the one who looks homeless. (Y/n) how about you mind your business and actually do your job. Thanks!” 

Yandere Manager is especially unpredictable in his support of you. Sometimes joining unruly customers when they blame you for something you messed up on. While also defending you over something small that didn’t require anyone’s input let alone his. Situations with entitled customers is a coin toss with him.

“Miss I’ll just remake the drink for you.”

“No no, you don’t have to I just want to know what was used instead of oat milk.”

“Oh okay then it's…Mr. Manager?”

“....YOU!?”

“Me?”

“Oh no.”

“NEVER WALK INTO MY ESTABLISHMENT AGAIN!”

“What why? I didn’t–”

“IF YOU REFUSE TO LEAVE I’LL HAVE TO REMOVE YOU BY FORCE.”

“Ahhh!”

“Wait! You don’t need the crossbow! Put it down!”

“DON’T EVER SPEAK TO MY EMPLOYEE EVER AGAIN!”

You can hardly pinpoint a pattern to his discord even after his honest confession when you catch him rifling through your things. But he won’t explain why he steals your lunch or makes fun of you in front of your coworkers. Or why he slashes your tires and breaks the windows of your home. It gets so bad you’re starting to think he uses this supposed obsession as an excuse for his behavior.

“Will you please explain why you broke into my car…for the fourth time?”

“Hmmm no.”

“...fine don’t. Now get out.”

“No I don’t think I will.”

“I have pepper spray and a tasor.”

“I can handle pepper spray.”

~Kzzt~

“Okay fine, you win this time.”

But despite your suspicions, he’s very much obsessed. Convinced he’s owed your affections he doesn’t mind breaking into your home, invading your personal space, and making light fun-as lovers do. No, his more sporadic actions happen to be something like knee-jerk reactions of his love for you. Similar to cuteness aggression. Because in his mind he’d prefer to break another window of yours than murder the family next door for looking at you too long. 

“This will have to do for now. I mean they can’t pin me for their carelessness when driving into a ditch, right?”

Usually, he doesn’t mind just doing whatever he feels like but since you’ve caught and called the police on him he’s on a tight leash. Not because he’s at all afraid of the police. Not at all. It’s because then he’ll be breaking the hold he has on you. Let me explain.

The minute he did the slightest thing out of line you called the higher-ups who threatened him and assured you he’d be fired. Great. But when he cornered you in your own home with the possibility that this wouldn’t stop when he was fired you had to pause.

“Sure you might get rid of me at work but then you’ll never know where I am. Instead of staying at work with you, I might just be in your room or at your friend’s house, or in your car!”

“T-t-then I’ll call the police on you!”

“After I’ve already left? Well sure they can serve an order and arrest me if I’m too close but when I break out–and trust me I will–you’ll have no idea when or where I’ll be coming from. I’ll be a constant boogeyman over your life if you kick me out now.”

“.....”

“So don’t get me fired, kay?”

Yandere Manager who is only given a warning by his employers and police before you stop attempting to get others involved. As much as you hate to admit it, he’s completely right. For all the times you find him breaking in, already broken in, or stealing something of yours he’s never lied to you. The same can’t be said for others but even when he’s doing something wrong he’ll always be honest with you. 

“Mister Manager? Did you do something to my lunch?”

“No! How dare you accuse me of such a deplorable thing! I should write you up.”

“....(Y/n)?”

“Clyde.”

“What?”

“Did you mess with his food?”

“Yes.”

“Dude are you serious?!” 

Life with Yandere Manager isn’t going to be easy at first but when has it ever been for an employee like yourself? It’s best that you get used to your Manager’s obsession, heck it might help make your grueling shift a little bit better.

[wisterialagoon]

Alastor x Reader - Comfort Fic

Warnings: established relationship, probably ooc alastor, comfort, reader is grabbed (not by alastor) reader curses :P

Btw! Please do send in Hazbin requests, I do sfw and nsfw :)

You had been having a miserable day. You woke up in a sour mood, but the feeling only worsened when you realised you had woken up in bed alone.

Presumably your husband had left early to head to his broadcast studio. You then had several run-ins with the most insufferable sinners throughout your day, but this, this was ridiculous.

You had been standing in the lobby, by the check-in desk trying not to burst into stress tears as a rather tall intimidating demon stood there screaming his lungs out at you.

"I already told you sir, I cant get you a room unless you want to be redeemed, this isn't a normal hotel," you stress to the demon before you.

He unfortunately doesn't take the refusal well, gripping the collar of your favourite dress, ripping it slightly.

The demon has you in a strong hold pulling his face right up to yours, you grimace at his breath brushing your face. Your feet barely reaching the floor anymore.

"Sir you need to let go of me now!" you damn near shriek in fury. The commotion catches the attention of a few of the hotels residents, the demon finally drops you when he realises he's drawn a crowd, opting to leave before things went south for him.

"Y/N!" You hear Charlie's panicked yell as she comes up to you, helping you to your feet, "Are you okay? D-do you need anything, I'll have Vaggie deal with that demon don't worry!"

"Its alright Charlie," You steady yourself, taking a deep breath, "just give me the rest of the afternoon off, yeah?"

"Of course, please, go rest."

With that you head off to your room, you pull off your dress and get into your night gown. You inspect the collar of your dress to see it in tatters, this unfortunately was your tipping point.

You're now sitting in the middle of the bed crying your eyes out, clutching your dress. You're so in your feelings, you don't even notice Alastor has slipped in until hes sitting next to you and pulling you into his arms.

You still for a moment but ease into the embrace, soaking his shirt in your tears.

When you had calmed down a bit Alastor cups your face, making you look into his eyes, "Charlie told me what happened my dear, I do wonder why you didn't make that wretched sinner pay, hmm? You're more than capable." He tilts his head, a questioning look in his eyes.

"I didn't want to cause a scene and bring a bad reputation to the hotel, sinners should want to come here," you sniffle.

"Au contraire my dear, you shouldn't be afraid to kill those that wrong you, if demons fear you, it keeps them in their place! Anyhow, what's done is done, I'm more concerned with the fact that my, usually very dauntless wife is crying all on her own." Alastor taps your nose gently.

"Bad day, bad, terrible, awful day Al," tears begin to flood your eyes again just thinking about it.

Alastor chuchles softly as he pulls you to straddle his lap, softly running his fingers through your hair. "Oh you poor sweet thing," He listens carefully as you recount your day to him.

"And to top it off, t-that dickless bastard tore my favourite dress" you finish, words getting caught between your sobs.

"Oh don't you worry your pretty little head about that, I'll have it mended in a jiff, instead, worry about what you'll wear Tonight!"

You look up at him curiously, "Tonight?"

"Well of course I'm treating you to a perfect night out, I can't in good conscious let my sweet wife wallow in her sadness all night can I?"

You perk up at this. Your husband is a busy demon, its not often you get him all to yourself. "The whole night?" you say with big eyes.

"You'll have my complete undivided attention all night long my dear!"

You jump up at this, racing to find an outfit all while Alastor happily watches you showing him different dresses, shoes and jewellery.

He makes a mental note to quickly pop out and find the demon that laid his hands on you, Vaggie was so kind as to provide him with a description.

[justastraymoa]

HOW DID YOU LOSE MY CAT?

I was in a complete state of panic and three thousand miles from home, unable to do anything to help the situation at hand.

"How did you lose Cheese?” I wheezed into the phone trying to calm my breathing and thoughts enough to focus on the problem at hand.

Its really my fault. I made the mistake of trusting a neighbor to watch my precious baby boy while I was on a week long work trip. The trip was mandatory and last minute so I had no choice.

I just moved a couple months ago and with the new job and settling into the new apartment I hadn’t had time to really get to know the neighborhood or the neighbors. Still, the middle aged man across the way seemed nice enough the few times we chatted and he agreed to go feed Cheese twice a day.

He didn’t give updates unless I specifically asked for them, but beggers couldn’t be choosers and I had no choice but to go on this last minute trip.

"Its not my fault. He bolted when I opened the door.” Luo responded. I could practically hear the shrug over the phone.

"Well did you go after him?” I pressed. Honestly I felt like I was pulling teeth here. The man took responsibility for my cat by agreeing to take care of him for the week, the least he could do was feel bad for losing him.

There was a drawn out dismissing noise on the other end of the line. “Not really. I followed him to the stairs but he was gone by the time I got to them.”

I clenched my fist and nearly bit my tongue off. I wanted to yell and scream at the man for not caring even a little bit about my loved one! “Can you go out and look for him or put up posters or something?” I asked. Surely this was not too much of an ask. It was the bare minimum someone in this position could do!

"Ill put a bowl of food out for him, but I don’t have time to wander around town looking for a cat. Just get another one when you get back if he doesn’t show up. There are shelters full of them I am sure.”

I stood in my hotel room in angry shock. How could this asshole say that to me mere minutes after learning my pet ran off to god knows where! How heartless!

"Listen, I have to go. Ill let you know if he shows up.” The line clicked and I looked at the screen to see my own reflection staring wide eyed back at me in the black screen.

I looked around the room, thinking through my options. I was the lead in this meeting and no one else could present like I could. Even if someone could take over for me, I am the only one on this trip from my company who knows most of this information. There was no way anyone could answer any of the questions the others were sure to ask. And I was still too new at the company to risk a bad review or ask for any favors.

Bottom line. I was stuck here while my baby was out on the streets thousands of miles away doing god knows what. He could be hurt or worse! He was an all black cat and there were some sick people out there who would see that and use him for some awful purposes and do unspeakable things to him!

There was no way I was going to be able to sleep for the rest of this awful trip! And I still had to look and act presentable! Five days of not knowing what was happening to my Cheese! Why did I think this job was a good idea. I was perfectly fine where I was. In my cozy little hometown working at the local grocer on the weekends and the tiny doctors office the rest of the week.

Sure my knowledge and degree were being wasted there, and I was miserable at both jobs. But I knew everyone there and was known back. And people cared about each other there. Everyone knew Cheese and would have turned the town upside down to try and find him the moment he got out the door. Not that he ever even tried to get out with me. He is mischievous, sure, but he had never once tried to escape. But no, I got the opportunity to work my dream job in a big city hours from home and I thought it was perfect.

Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe Cheese would come back for dinner in a couple hours and this whole nightmare could be over.

A text message the next morning from Luo stated that the food bowl he put out had not been touched.

I went about my day as best I could. I noticed some odd stares and several of the other people asked if I was okay because I was being quieter than usual. I was honest with them as much as I could be without being annoying and whiny. They were appropriately sympathetic, but of course could not or did not offer any solutions.

As I sat at a dinner with a whole group of people I only just met for this trip my phone pinged with a new message. After a quick glance I excused myself and almost ran to the bathroom.

I quickly texted everyone I could to see if anyone was available to go pick up Cheese from his savior and cat sit for me for the rest my trip.

Parents were immediately a no. Dad got hurt trying to clean the gutters by himself and mom was stuck waiting on him and making sure that he actually rested and took his medications properly.

BFF was also a no. She was on a vacation with her new boytoy out on some beach somewhere with perfect sunsets and white sand. I’m a little jealous not gunna lie.

I wracked my brain for any other options on people. Luo was obviously a hard no. Forever. I would not trust that man to borrow a cup of sugar from now on.

At least Cheese seemed to be okay. And he found himself a friendly household. In the pictures this Bangchan sent Cheese looked happy and healthy. No visible injuries, and Bangchan said he didn’t see any either. He even has a cat loving roommate. So Cheese would be okay for a little while until I could figure out someone who could go get him.

I felt really guilty for sticking my cat on some strangers who already had gone above and beyond for both him and me. But Bangchan seemed adamant, and I knew Cheese would be okay with them.

I need to go out and get something for them. A gift or souvenir or something to show my appreciation. That’s how I would spend my evening to occupy my time and brain from the guilt and missing my boy.

Okay so me and Lino are going to get along amazing I can already tell.

First he sent me a pic of my boy without even me asking first. An actual update without having to ask for one!

Second, Bangchan was not lying. He is a cat lover through and through.

Lino:

'I have happily sacrificed half my bed for Cheese.’

A new picture of Cheese and him all cuddled together on what looked like a very large bed soon followed the message.

I laughed to myself.

Me:

'Don’t let him hog the bed too much. He likes to shove me off the side occasionally.’

My bed was a queen, and I only upgraded to that size because of Cheese. My full size was just not big enough for both of us. He liked to touch you when sleeping, and he will physically use all 4 paws to push you until you are on the very edge of the mattress.

Lino:

‘its far too late for that. I happily give it up though to be honest. And he snores! It’s the cutest thing I have ever heard in my entire life! I recorded it.’

Then a recording came through, the first time I was hearing my baby boy in days. I nearly burst into tears, as it was my eyes stung. I saved the recording and set it to my message tone so I could listen to it anytime I got a text.

Me:

'Thank you so much for sending me that you have no idea how much I miss him'

'I was so worried when he got out and my neighbor didn’t even care!

Lino:

'I understand somewhat. I have three boys at my parents house that I miss so much.'

A picture of three adorable cats followed all labeled with their names.

Me:

'Aww they are so cute!'

Bin is allergic to cats! The guilt is back full force and more! Not only did I stick my cat on some strangers for 3 days, but one of them is ALLERGIC!

I truly am an awful person. I need to go out and get more thank you gifts for them. There is no way I have enough.

Much later as I was getting ready to head to bed I got a videocall from the latest of Bangchans roommates. I answered a little leery about video calling someone I only just messaged for the first time a couple hours ago.

I tried not to react to the absolute cuteness that greeted me on the other end of the call. Not only was Cheese there, but Bin was a cutie himself. Cheese was curled up on his chest as he lounged on what looked like a couch.

“I know its strange that I am calling you when we haven’t even met.” Bin started cheeks turning a little pink. On the screen I could see him absent mindedly stroking down the length of Cheeses back over and over.

I melted inside. “its not a problem. Is something wrong? I truly am sorry you are stuck with Cheese when you are allergic. I feel really bad!”

“Actually that’s why I called. I don’t want you to feel bad. I would tell you if it was a problem, I promise. But he doesn’t seem to be triggering my allergies much.” Bin shrugged and Cheese chirped in annoyance at being jostled.

I sighed as I curled up on my bed. “If you are sure. I can still try and find someone to come get him.” I offered. It may be easier to get mom to come out if it was only for tonight and tomorrow. I was due back the day after that in early morning. I could probably convince her if I begged and pestered enough.

“No no don’t. I am enjoying him. He is a little heater! Feels good after a long workout.”

We chatted with no real conversation for a good half hour more, which kinda shocked me. I wasn’t one to be super sociable. And I didn’t even really know this person. He was just sweet and really easy to talk to.

Hyune, the fourth roommate, made me realize that I hadn’t told anyone my name. It didn’t even occur to me to. I was so focused on Cheese and that whole situation. Even if he asked for it in kind of a rude way. Who asks for a name without giving one first??

AND HE WAS A DOG PERSON!

My poor Cheese is stuck with a dog person! The horror! Its downright wrong! Im a bad pet parent!

Still, it felt really good to be so easily folded into their conversations and bantering like they did. And they don’t seem to mind when I banter back with them. It feels like it used to when I lived in my hometown. Friendly.

I was going to be home tomorrow. Finally sleeping in my own bed with my baby in my arms!

And I could shower in my own shower and cook actual food on a stove and not have to go out for every meal!

I missed home. I missed Cheese.

There were tears, though I didn’t point them out to either Lino or Bin. I just politely ignored their sniffles and quick swiped across their cheeks.

It warmed my heart to know that they liked Cheese so much. He was the best cat ever, so im not shocked. But it makes me feel better since they watched him for me for several days.

I didn’t stay at the Bangchan apartment long. I was exhausted from the flight and week long travel, and I think the boys could see that as well so they didn’t push.

I gave them the several bags of gifts. Everything from keychains to food. Anything I could find that I thought suited the situation.

Hyune and Bin snatched the bags and moved a few feet away to look at everything in excitement. Lino was still standing beside me, petting Cheese who was in my arms. His eyes were still wet and he sniffled occasionally.

“You really didn’t have to get us anything. We enjoyed Cheeses company. It will feel a little lonely here without him to be honest.” Bangchan stated side eyeing his two roommates.

I shook my head with a smile. “It was the very least I could do. I was out of my mind with worry when he was missing and then you took him in for days when I couldn’t find anyone. Trust me, this isn’t even close to enough to show how thankful I am.”

Bangchan smiled sweetly. “Well thank you, im sure we will love everything. As you can see they are already very excited.”

I headed home soon after that. Giving Cheese the lecture of his fuzzy life as I drove. For his part, he listened quietly, but didn’t seem at all fazed.

A/N: okay so since the texts were originally by themselves they don't match up perfectly but bear with me here.

I don't know if anyone will really enjoy this but I wanted to get more detailed my own self so I am writing for me mostly. Self indulgence.

Love you all and thank you for even trying to read. Sorry for errors, I'm hooman 🤷🏻‍♀️

And thank you in advance for any reblogs, notes, comments, tags, replies, and/or anything else. Let's have fun with this together 🩷💙💜

Masterlist

[jemmo]

Making sense of love for love's sake: the game

Despite all the things i absolutely adore about how the plot unravels and expands in love by love's sake, upon first watch, there's some things i couldn't piece together, which @lurkingshan echoes in their post:

'The way the author was messing with Myungha and forcing cruel choices on him really does not track with a desire to help him find happiness.'

And to preface, this is not something i fully get yet either. I think i'll need a good month and a sizeable reading list of relevant resources to understand just what/who this author/sunbae is and what his role is and how he is associated with myungha. But as always with the best shows for meta (aka bad buddy), as a plot unfolds, you can always find a better understanding by looking backwards and re-contextualising what you've already seen. so i watched ep 1, specifically the scene between myungha and his sunbae at the bar. And i will talk about how everything said in this scene has a whole new meaning now we know the full story, but for now i wanna focus on that question that they keep coming back to; "Then... will you change it for him?".

When you watch the show for the first time, your brain follows the simplest, most obvious version of the story you're being told, one where myungha has been pulled into the world of his sunbae's novel that's being turned into a game and given the opportunity to fix the thing he didn't like about it; making yeowoon happy, and thus you just think the rules of the game are imposed by the author, and so when these cruel choices first come up, you see them as the difficult roadblocks that are nevertheless necessary to any kind of game, forcing the player to make an impossible choice so that the game can continue in a certain direction and its only after that you learn whether it was the right choice or not, or there is no right choice, it simply changes the game you are playing.

And when its revealed what this game actually is, at first i tried to interpret these cruel choices, namely the choice between yeonwoon and myungha's grandma, and at best i could come up with the concept of this being a choice between staying stuck to the past aka choosing his grandma, even though he knows that choice doesn't mean she's safe bc he knows the future where he loses here, its an inevitability, but thats the small happiness he knew before it was taken away and thus that happiness is known and safe, theres no risk, versus choosing to pursue a new happiness, a love of yeowoon and thus himself, which he doesn't know, he hasn't experienced yet, and could be risky. Its a happiness that isn't guaranteed like his grandma, but its a happiness that looks to the future and has hope in it that he can find a new happiness to pursue despite what has happened in his past.

And that fits nice, okayish. But then i watched ep 1 and heard that question "Then... will you change it for him?" And watching through the rest of the eps, we come back to this scene at the bar and each time we get a new run up to the author asking this question, either new dialogue is added or we hear a different piece of the conversation entirely. It starts at the beginning of ep 1 as:

"Because Cha Yeowoon is the only one who's miserable." "It can't be helped that some people's lives are like that" "The fact that some people are destined to live that kind of life is what's vile."

Then a bit later in ep 1 we go back and its expanded.

"It can't be helped that some people's lives are like that" "The fact that some people are destined to live that kind of life is what's vile." "Why? Do you think you'd write it differently?" "Yes, definately. Someone like Cha Yeowoon, or someone like me with an awful life, can also be happy."

And then all the way on in ep 6, we get this new dialogue.

"I don't like talking about destiny." "Why?" "Because it means everything is predestined." "Then do you not believe in fate?" "Fate and destiny are the same. My grandma likes to say that. She said life is like a written book, and how you'll live and die are written in it. (...)I don't like things like this. Even if fate is already destined, I think it can still be changed. Otherwise, there's no point in trying." "Really? Then Myungha..."

And while we don't hear the author ask the same question, I feel like him getting cut off like that insinuates that the conversation leads to that same ending point. All that is to say, every time we hear this question being asked, its like we learn more and more about what this whole thing is, what the game is, what myungha is saying he will do by agreeing to do what the author asks. And every time, we see myungha being more defiant against the idea of yeowoon being resigned to his miserable ending. He starts off thinking that kind of life is destined, and while it's miserable, its not something he can fight. Then he says he'd want to write the story differently, bc yeowoon, or even him, could be happy. He challenges the idea that yeowoon, and thus himself, is fated to be miserable, and opens up the possibility for happiness for them both, but doesn't yet have the means or resolve to do it, its like he knows its possible on a fundamental level, but doesn't see it as something he can actually achieve. But then we circle back to the idea of destiny and books, both of which came up in the previous quote, and seems incredibly pertinent seen as this whole thing is about a novel this author has written. Myungha talks about how he hates the idea that life is a book where everything written is predestined to happen, from the moment you live to the moment you die. He says "Even if fate is already destined, I think it can still be changed. Otherwise, there's no point in trying." That vile way of life he described before that he said was destined, he is now saying it can be changed, and that possibility is now something he's holding onto, its what he sees hope in so that he can keep trying, bc now he finally is trying, he has the resolve, he's trying to realise this thing, this impossibility of rewriting the life he thought was destined through the way he loves yeowoon.

And coming back to those cruel choices, given this fresh context, it made me think. bc this isn't actually a game that myungha has been put into where the rules are dictated by an author completely separate from him. He said himself, he'd rewrite it, he'd change things for yeowoon. And when you start to think of it less as him fighting against a rigid, removed system and more like him being a character in a story he is trying to rewrite himself, that has both the author and his own limitations, or just his own if you're in the school of thought that the author is some figment or part of myungha himself or his conciousness, then you can start to see where these cruel choices might come from. They could be myungha, the author making edits to this new story, imposing his own doubts and limitations on himself. When he says he has to pick between Yeowoon and his grandma, what if that's the new author myungha seeing this story unfold and thinking no this isn't right, he can't have it all, i'm not deserving of this much happiness.

And what makes me like this idea even more is that when we get that second choice between ending after 14 days or getting 100 days back at the cost of resetting Yeowoon's affection to 0, that whole conversation happens in what I think the bar actually is which is this frozen moment in time where myungha is in the water with this extension of a voice in his head that is talking through these things. That conversation in itself needs its own post, but when you look at it both as a decision to break up or not or a decision to hold onto life or not, you can see how the author is just this soundboard relaying the decisions myungha is going through in his head. The author's voice is his own, weighing up his decisions. And if he is the author here, it only reinforces that the person making the rules of this game is him. You can even extend it further to the idea of the debuffs, where he puts in place this thing that makes it so he causes harm to yeowoon when he's around, and its only by garnering affection that he can prevent it. He gives himself a reason from the get go to stay away from yeowoon and reason it as him doing it for yeowoon's safety, when in fact the only way to make yeowoon safe is to increase his affection, which he can only do by being near him. Its a system that at first gives myungha a reason to stay away aka not like himself, but ultimately says the only way you're going to make yeowoon like you, or the only way you can like yourself, is if you accept risk. And that in itself screams to me of a myungha writing in these game systems that are trying to encourage his own-self love while falling at the hurdle of his own lack of self-worth.

The idea is still messy in my head even for me, but i just really like the idea that myungha could be trying to fix this thing both as a character and game master, and that both these versions of him have these flaws that manifest in their different ways to cause the events we see. It kinda is the definition of being your own worst enemy, the idea that in order to work towards loving yourself, the biggest obstacle you have to encounter is yourself, bc we are the ones holding ourselves back, making all these rules that make it harder to like ourselves and pursue our own happiness. The voices in our head telling us that we aren't good enough and aren't deserving are our own, and while the things that happen to us can inform what they say, we're the one's reinforcing those words. And what this show teaches us is that, if we're the one holding that pen all along, we can choose to change what those words are. If we make the rules, you don't have to create a game with concrete ultimatums, you can create a game where rules don't control you. Instead, you make the decisions, and you can make the ones that make you happy.

[fionaapplerocks]

SFJ: Where’d you go to school?

FA: From second grade until ninth grade I went to this place St. Hilda’s and St. Hugh’s School, which is on 114th and Riverside. I have really good memories of that school; I think it was a great place. Really small, and really a diverse group of kids—lots of exchange students went there for some reason. It’s an Episcopalian school, but nobody even knew what Episcopalian meant. I still don’t know what Episcopalian means. We went to chapel every morning and had Eucharist every Wednesday. There were nuns that taught there, but, strangely, it didn’t feel like it was a religious school.

SFJ: So what happened in ninth grade?

FA: My dad lived in Venice, and I went out to spend a year to live with him, and I went to Hamilton High for one year, in California. That was an awful year. St. Hilda’s goes from nursery to twelfth [8th] grade, and there were three hundred kids in the whole school. Hamilton had five thousand kids for high school. At St. Hilda’s, that small amount of kids, from all over the world, all different religious, and it wasn’t ever an issue. Going out to L.A., it was like five thousand kids. The quad was the most segregated place I had ever seen. I didn’t know where to go. It was a terrible year. I couldn’t really find any friends that stuck.

SFJ: And that was tenth grade?

FA: Yeah, that was tenth grade. Then, I came back to New York and went to this place called Rhodes, which was a night school, and they used the building of the Dwight School, on 89th. I was a receptionist at the Dwight School during the day, and then, when they shut down, then Rhodes was at night. Rhodes was ridiculous. There was maybe twenty kids that went there. It was the only place I could go to because by the time I realized I was miserable in California—I didn’t have very good grades to begin with—it was hard to get into a school, and it was like, “Oh, Rhodes’ll take me.” Everybody that was at Rhodes was those kids that like no one else would take them. And all the teachers that worked there—it wasn’t like they were bad teachers, but everybody that worked there they were doing it to get extra money. They were teaching a class at night, because they needed the money. Nobody was really invested in it at all; everybody kind of had to be there. It was ridiculous. It was like, “Do your homework? What?” The classes were an hour and a half, and you’d have forty-five minutes, and then a fifteen-minute break, and then another forty-five minutes. On fifteen-minute break, everybody would go outside and smoke pot. There was no second forty-five minutes ever, and you’d be sitting out on the stoop and the teachers would be like, “Come back into class.” and you’d be like, “Why?” It was that kind of place. And then they closed down.

SFJ: So things kind of went downhill after ninth grade.

FA: And then after that, for my senior year, I went back to California, to this place called Poseidon, which was a home school. It was actually a school for people with emotional problems, and I was really lucky to get in. I didn’t graduate, though, because they require you to take driver’s ed, and I hadn’t done that.

Excerpt from interview by Sasha Frere-Jones—September 16th 2005 at the W Hotel and September 18th 2005 at Café Botanica in the Essex Hotel.

[imagionationstation]

*Rant Incoming*

Warning: Tired & Emotional Author did not check for emotional errors. This is not the usual “facts & research” essay. It may feel attackish. It may feel like a targeting accusation. I guess, in a way, it is. I apologize. But I need to speak.

Sometimes I wish I could be that creator.

The kind who can say mean, hateful things about RISE and walk away. The kind that can go in depth to explain how truly bad Splinter is and how furious Leon makes me and how the way the Foot are portrayed feels like a betrayal to the Foot’s history and everything else cringy or mortifying about that series.

But I can’t. Because that’s not fair.

Because if I spent every single day hating on Rise when I remember something that upsets me, everyone would be rightly upset.

There are people out there who adore this show and I’m just sitting here going through every reason why their favorite thing is stupid.

That doesn’t seem like a nice thing to do by any means.

Just because I have an opinion doesn’t mean I have to share it.

Just because I dislike a character design or certain aspects doesn’t make the show as a whole an inherently awful show. Heck, (as an example, not a truth) just because I dislike every single thing about a show doesn’t make the show itself inherently awful!

I think we should be able to agree on that for any tmnt iteration.

So why is it that 2012 happens to be the favorite outliner?

Why is it that I can’t go a week without someone reminding me how inherently awful and disgusting and terrible it is? Why is it that I’m biased and nostalgic and that’s the only reason that I could like the show, and one day, I’ll have to take a step back and realize how awful it is? How abusive and cringe and stupid it is?

Some days I get online after long, stressful days to indulge and relax and maybe even write- and then someone comes up to tell me how dumb or horrid my love for the show is. And I don’t even want to do any of that anymore because a part of my brain is looking at the screen and wondering, “Maybe they’re right.”

And then I’m miserable because I know that’s not fair.

Why do you get to stand in the way of what I love? Why can’t you talk about the series that you love and adore, and just ignore 2012? What joy do you get out of tearing down the one thing that keeps me sane?

It isn’t like people are sitting down to explain anything. To acknowledge character development or changes or to explain the inherently abusive things the ninja family does and take into account their heritage and bond and then reason why it’s still bad.

It’s always the same things.

“The brothers are so horrible and abusive-”

Great, so don’t watch the show.

“The love triangle is so cringe and Donnie is a creepy stalker-”

Great, so don’t watch the show.

“Splinter is literally The Worst example of Splinters in any iteration-”

Great, so don’t watch the show.

“Leo is so boring and stiff Ugh I can’t believe season three exists-”

Great, so don’t watch the-

“Raph is so mean and cruel and he always takes it out on Mikey-”

Great, so don’t watch-

“Mikey is a poor baby who has never done anything wrong and just likes playing around and doesn’t deserve anything that his family ever throws his way and it’s like they aren’t family at all-”

Great, so-

“That isn’t how REAL brothers would act.”

Great.

Just. Great.

Thanks for sharing.

[badaziraphaletakes]

I have no funny meme or gif for this one.

The "Aziraphale needs to see the circumstances around Crowley's fall in order to see what heaven really is and that's going to be what causes him to break away" take really, really bothers me. For a multiple reasons.

The first is because Aziraphale is already miserable and TERRIFIED of heaven. I am sick and tired of the expectation that he deserves to have some kind of (further) shattering emotional crisis about them. They've made him miserable for hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of years. They've kept him separate from the love of his live. He deserves for them to leave him alone. Not to be further traumatized by finding out more upsetting things. The reason he hasn't "broken away" from them isn't because he "needs to figure out that they're evil" or something like that. It's because they are too powerful and he knows how terrifying and awful they are and that they will do very, very awful things to him if he tries to rebel. The problem isn't Aziraphale's mindset. It's them. It's them. It's them. Period.

Our angel has been through f*cking ENOUGH. He does not deserve to suffer more. He does not need to be tormented more in order to somehow magically be transformed a good person. (Enough, please, with the takes that trauma builds character. That's bullsh*t.)

Please, PLEASE don't forget that all the things he says about heaven being good are said WHERE HEAVEN CAN HEAR HIM. They are effectively omnipresent.

Aziraphale doesn't need to "break away" - Heaven needs to leave him alone. Period. They're the wrongdoers in this situation, not him.

The second reason I hate, hate, hate this take is because we don't know whether Crowley wants Aziraphale to know about his fall. YOU DON'T ALWAYS WANT THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR TRAUMAS. And that does NOT indicate a lack of trust or a flaw in the relationship. It is FINE not to ever want to tell people you love about certain sh*tty things that happen to you. This is very normal and okay.

I can think of multiple separate instances of this in my own family.

My dad never told me or my mom about the things he experienced during war. Not in detail. What would be the point? It wouldn't make him feel better, and we wouldn't really understand, because we haven't experienced that. It would just upset everyone.

I never told my family I was sexually assaulted. Most survivors don't tell many people about the experience, including people close to them. Why the hell would I????? It would just make them miserable and it wouldn't make me feel better. Sharing things like that doesn't always help. I only talk about it with people who've been through the same thing.

If Crowley hasn't talked to Aziraphale about his fall and doesn't want him to know how bad it was, I say good for them both. Leave it there. I would feel very violated if Aziraphale found out inadvertently (or worse, went snooping - although I don't think he would do that, but I digress) about something Crowley didn't want him to know about, and the show presented it as something that "needed to happen". That's messed-up. We shouldn't go prying into people's traumas like that. (Besides, Aziraphale is already very aware of how lonely and depressed Crowley is. He knows Crowley didn't want to fall. He knows he's upset about it.) If Crowley is keeping it from Aziraphale, that is his prerogative. It is a completely valid choice that needs to be respected. It doesn't necessarily mean he made that choice out of some misguided notion of "protecting" Aziraphale. It could very well just mean he doesn't see the point in telling him something that would probably just make them both miserable.

I am not here for the trauma of Crowley's fall being weaponized as some kind of teaching tool to make Aziraphale "learn his lesson". (Especially if Crowley's not the one to tell him.) That's sick. It's cruel for them both. It would in all likelihood not be good for their relationship.

Ehh I feel like there's more I could say on this but I'm getting too emotional to be coherent so I'm just going to leave it there.

Thanks for reading, friends.

[burningcheese-merchant]

Its the cycle of History. Civilizations rise up. He watches them thrive. They eventually fall. Witnessing an expected event over and over with no Change can be desensitizating. After all, there's no reason in madness! (Timekeeper being in a similar boat of boredom only satiated by causing problems on purpose in roundabout ways for lols)

One might say that all he does with Destruction gives him a sense of control. Finally he can play HIS way. Speeding up things so he doesn't end up getting attached. Even better if he can be destroyed in turn some day. The combo of adrenaline and spices make for quite the addiction :3 If it turns out he sent spiced out cookies to Mystic then not even his supposed friend is safe from bull

It's rather interesting with what we've seen in Mystic Flour as the first Beast release. Girlie cared too much til she had no more f to give. BS destroys everything before he could prolly care. Can't wait to see Smilk spiraling into silly[tm] from knowing too much! Time to crave tragedy!!

I know, brother. Trust me. I've made a post addressing this before, and... Well. What I work on and study irl has an awful lot to do with history as a subject lol. I really need you wll to believe me when I say I understand the cycle of history. I know it so well, it hurts. It's part of why I'm such a cynic irl. I know exactly how awful history and people are. I really, truly do.

And you have a point, yeah. It could be a play for control. For things to be the way Burning Spice wants them to be, if only once. Sort of like what I suggested in that post: just cut out the middleman and end it all yourself. Be the "solution" to the "problem", before the problem even actually happens. It's a valid theory. Certainly an interesting one.

It's still bullshit at the end, though. Same with Mystic Flour's reasons for turning bad. Same as all the others' reasons probably will be.

Idk I think I'm just... tired at this point. History is a subject that is very near and dear to my heart for many reasons, and has been my whole life. In studying history, you learn a lot about people and life and the human condition. And part of that is hearing every single excuse for doing evil deeds possible. And in hearing Mystic Flour's backstory, and even Burning Spice's (how little we actually see), all I heard were all those same excuses all over again. And I got sick of hearing them a long time ago.

I'm not sure I necessarily see what Mystic Flour did as "caring too much until she had nothing left to give". I see it, I see what you're saying and it's valid, I just... it reads more as outright naivety to me. Girlie acts like she's never heard of greedy people before. "There were people who wished for selfish things and wanted my powers for themselves" uh yeah lol. That happens. There are people like that out there. You should know better than to think otherwise. You should also know better than to just go ahead and grant every single person's wishes. It inevitably leads to greed and entitlement. But regardless, that's no fucking reason to want to wipe out all of man/cookiekind. That's fucking stupid. Some shitty people took advantage of me, therefore every single person on earth should lose their individuality and die. Fuck you, you miserable bitch (I know it's more complicated than that, I'm just distilling it because MF legitimately does irritate me as a character lol)

"I'm bored" oh man. Oh jeez. That's the worst thing that could ever happen to someone, now isn't it. You're so bored, it seems, that you can't even be bothered to explain why or how. Are you tired of building something up and caring about it, only for it to be destroyed, over and over again? Did you lose someone important to you while enforcing that cycle? Are you overwhelmed by the burden of the responsibility you were given without choice, and thus slowly driven to madness? All of the above? None? It doesn't matter because those are stupid, too. And they're rendered stupid because you use them as an excuse to hurt people that have nothing to do with anything. "I destroy things to regain a semblance of control over my life and to prevent attachment" cool motive, still murder. If you (and MF, too) are that bothered by the way things are then just fucking kill yourself. Why not? End your oh so terrible suffering instead of inflicting it on everyone else. But they won't, and neither did the other Beasts, because they are all fundamentally dumb, selfish, hypocritical cowards.

Or, how about this: ABDICATE. You don't want the power and responsibility? Give it to somebody else. You don't want to help uphold balance? Fine, that's fair. LET SOMEONE ELSE DO IT, THEN. Have the humility and integrity to admit you're not cut out for the job instead of doing this heinous shit. The Ancients worked for the power and accepted the responsibility that came with it. That's why they're better than you and always will be. They're not bummed out by immortality or the cycle of history or whatever else you want to cry about. They live their lives and do right by others and get the job done. It's obvious you can't, so just man up and step down. Or don't. Hoard the power and neglect the responsibility and be a blight on society instead of coming to terms with your own shortcomings. Because that's easier, isn't it? Being evil is the easy way out. That's why so many people are. Because they're too weak to try anything else.

That's all the Beasts were and continue to me, to me. Weak. They are right to be unhappy with whatever unfortunate circumstances befell them. They are right to resent their creators and the burden they bestowed upon them. But they are wrong to punish everyone else for it. It's selfishness. Weak moral and spiritual fiber. Congratulations, Mystic Flour, you've proven that your apathy is fake by trying so hard to get the Soul Jam back and wanting to steamroll everyone else's rights, thoughts and feelings with your own. Congratulations, Burning Spice, you're still perpetuating the cycle of history by being the exact same bloodthirsty tyrant as every single one before and after you. I've seen these clowns before, history is full of them. And they all start grating on you after a while lol.

Idk if any of this made sense. I think I'm just irritated with the Beasts (and with villains in general, maybe, to a degree) and your ask gave me an excuse to ramble semi-coherently about it lol. I nevertheless appreciate you telling me your thoughts. You have good and interesting ones. I wish you a wonderful New Year and a big basket full of delicious bonbons

[dreadfulgentleman]

what's the story behind knowing & living with the director of meet the robinsons

Time for a long story. I cannot shorten it.

In 2014-2015, I was miserable. I was working at WDW in FL at the time and going through the worst depression of my life. Everything bad that could have happened to me seemed to hit all at once. Losing my fiancee, losing housing, dealing with significant trans-related dysphoria, having work-related issues, having complications with unsupportive relatives, etc. The only thing keeping me going was the movie "Meet the Robinsons". More specifically, it was the character Bowler Hat Guy and the 'keep moving forward' quote that provided a crutch for me as I hung onto life by a single thread. Things came to a head when I thought seriously of taking my own life. I remember being in that moment, going through all the questions in my head of what would happen if I made that choice: What would happen to my stuff? What would my family think? What would happen at work? None of the answers to those questions mattered to me at all. It wasn't until I arrived at the very last question I asked myself that something changed. I asked myself, "If I could choose, what would I put on my tombstone?" Immediately my mind said, "Well, Keep Moving Forward, of course." But no sooner had I said that did I realize the irony of those words. How could I put those words on my tombstone and yet also take my own life? It made no sense. I thought, "What would the director think if I did that?" So I made the decision to put the knife down.

Several months later, I was dressed as Bowler Hat Guy to a Halloween party at Magic Kingdom. Someone came up to me very excitedly explaining that they were so happy to find someone who knew what MTR was. We laughed together and quoted the movie to each other and generally had a silly interaction based on fandom-sharing. Until suddenly she came right up close to me and said, "No, you don't understand, my cousin is the one who directed that movie." Well, of course, I freaked out. Immediately I clasped my hands against her shoulders and told her he and that movie had literally saved my life. I begged her to put me in contact with him in order to thank him directly. She said she absolutely would. Several days later and sure enough, there's the director in my inbox talking to me. I was starstruck. I told him why Meet the Robinsons was so important to me--how it had literally saved my life. As it turned out, he and his family were going to be visiting WDW the following month so he offered to meet up at a starbucks to chat. I was over the moon.

That starbucks meeting was three hours long. The entire time was chatting about how the movie was made, how he felt about it, how I felt about it, etc. I'll never forget that the first thing I asked him was, "What's BHG drinking in the playtime planet cup?" to which Steve replied, "What do YOU think is in the cup?" When I told him I had always imagined it was chocolate milk, he said, "Well, then, I guess it's chocolate milk." It was both a kind and humble thing to say as well as frustrating because that meant there was no canon answer (Ha!).

We inevitably left starbucks that day but remained friends on social media. A few days later was Thanksgiving. Steve's wife Heather found out that I was going to be alone that day so she told Steve they should both go out to dinner with me. So I was promptly invited to a pizza place with just the both of them. That dinner ended up being five hours long--I suppose we just had that good of a time! I was awestruck by their generosity and kindness. They felt like the real Robinsons, being automatically welcoming, encouraging, and supportive. I felt inspired by them and I was overjoyed that they had taken the time out of their vacation to hang out. When I walked out to the parking lot with them, feeling awed and humbled by how incredibly nice these two people were, Heather said something to me that I'll never forget. They both knew by now how many terrible things had occurred in my life up until then. They knew how much the movie meant to me. Heather said, "Would you like to be an Anderson?" Naturally, I cried on the spot and said yes.

The question at the time had simply meant to be one of general support and encouragement. But little did we know what would be coming next.

I was invited out to their house the following spring. It was only meant to be a week-long visit to see what California was like (I had never been before). Well, we were having such a good time that I extended my trip another week....... and then another....... and then suddenly the question was asked: "Would you like to just move in?"

So I did. I packed up all my stuff in FL and drove my car to CA just to be in their tiny guest room. A fresh restart in life. I legally changed my middle name to "Yagoobian" and we often joke that the five hour pizza dinner on Thanksgiving was my adoption interview. (Though for clarity sake, I'm on good terms with my actual relatives and this situation isn't meant to be a literal adoption scenario. My blood family and the "Robinsons" get along very well)

We are now in a bigger house where I have my own upstairs apartment and life is extremely akin to a real life version of The Robinson household. We're all artists so Steve is still working on movies, Heather sews and sometimes works on costumes/cosplay with me, I make short films (that sometimes Steve and Heather both help me with), and we thoroughly enjoy picking apart movies that we all watch together. We most certainly discuss MTR regularly and really enjoy looking at fanart or reading headcanons online (although it's mostly Heather and I, especially on tumblr. Steve unfortunately cannot be told most headcanon things for legal reasons, but we show him fanart all the time). I'm calling her out right now so you can ask her Robinson things if you'd like :P -- @bowler-hat-gal

This scenario sounds stranger than fiction, I know. And it is. I would never have guessed I would be where I am now. I often feel like I'm in the timeline where BHG had taken up the offer to live in the Robinson Household, being given the chance to restart his life and be happy. And I AM happy. I'm really glad to have found the place that feels like home.

All I can say is I'm so glad I put down that knife.

I'm so glad I chose to Keep Moving Forward.

[nyrasbloodyclover]

a real fucking legacy (a. k. vornsky)

a/n: stop asking why because i REALLY DON'T KNOW. my fav book, my fav fictional man, i am literally an anna karenina bible

I entered the ballroom that glittered with golden lights from the crystal chandeliers. I felt dizzy from all the excitement that was following me throughout the whole day, making sure my posture was perfect, dress unwrinkled and smile bright, just as everybody expected.

It was my third year after I came out into society, and no matter how many balls I attended, each one of them held a special place in my almost empty heart. Especially the ones I went to in the last 3 months.

All because he looked at me. He danced with me. And then decided to sneak out and find a place where no one would see us. We spent hours together on some deserted balcony. He was a good man and as much as I wanted to, he wouldn't lay a finger on me let alone, touch me the way he was wasn't supposed to.

Count Vronsky had many qualities that made him different from other gentlemen I've met, but the one I loved the most was that he was an amazing storyteller. He's seen so much, he's been everywhere and as a girl who practically did nothing my whole youth I was a great listener. He painted landscapes to me with his words and even when he thought some things he said didn't make any sense, I understood it all.

As he was older and much more mature, I made myself remember the way he formed his sentences and try to use it while telling the story of us.

I wore a maroon dress, not wanting to stand out, though the patterns on it were granular.Black lace was covering the edges while the corset was tied enough to make my breathing almost painful. My hair was pinned up, making my scalp hurt, but I somehow got used to all of it.

I saw some of my friends not too far from me, but a tall figure appeared before I could approach them. A younger man. I knew him. His name was Ivan-something and my mother would be delighted if  I decided to marry him. I fake smiled at him as he asked me for a dance. He absolutely blended in with all the other men I knew. I had to say yes. They couldn't suspect me and Vronsky, It was never going to happen, so why make fool of myself?

I inhaled sharply as he took my gloved hand and led me to the center of the ballroom. I loved to dance, but with an awful partner, even life could be miserable. I felt despondent as he spun me around and stepped on my feet continuously. Music ringed in my ears.

Even if I adored this piece, I couldn't stand it at the moment. I looked around and I felt like my gown was blood-soaked. My lungs were bleeding. I needed air. I wanted to go away, far, far away. Everyone was either dancing or talking and smiling, having much better time than me. Everyone except one person. And that person was approaching us right now. His pace was fast and strong and confident, everything I wasn't right now. He looked resplendent. I was counting seconds and begging him silently to end this torment.

He heard and answered my prayers.

Ivan suddenly stopped and I couldn't be more grateful. I wanted to hug my savior and thank him properly, but the only thing I could do right now was smile and slightly nod. Enough for him to understand. Vronsky's eyes went over my figure. His expression was flat but he tried to act polite. 

Ivan and I separated and Vronsky took a chance to whisper something to him. I couldn't make out any of the words, but I could see Ivan't expression change immediately. He tried to act friendly but miserably failed and excused himself. I tried not to laugh at him and couldn't stop wondering what had Vronsky said to him to make him leave without any protest. Vronsky turned to me.

"Good evening," he smiled,  "It looked like he was bothering you?" Did we actually look that bad? I thought I put on a great performance. 

"I don't think it was that miserable. He only stepped on my shoes three times."

Vronsky let out a rich laugh that I adored and It reminded me how much I miss him. I wanted us to sneak out like before. And I wanted to listen to him talk. But most of all, I wanted to dance with him, and feel his touch even if it was minimal. It was the most I'm ever going to get from him.

I took a step closer and he noticed. I wanted him to read my mind and do the right thing. He looked hesitant. Too hesitant. I looked up at him through my lashes and he tilted his head backwards. Not too much, it was the smallest movement but I noticed. 

"I should g—" 

"Ask me to dance," I blurted out.

He practically whipped his head in my direction and I felt blood rushing into my cheeks. If he refuses I'll leave. I'll leave immediately. And die of embarrassment, while we're at that.

He looked like he was fighting with himself, trying to do what he wanted and what was expected of him. But what I said was painfully forward and I should be ashamed of that. And I would be if it was someone else. With him I felt completely different. A moment passed.

"Very well," he said as he reached for my hand.

I tried to hide my face from him because I swear it was the color of my gown. Scarlet — practically maroon.

He placed one hand on my hip as his other took mine and I forgot everything else. 

His touch burned on me as Vronsky held my gaze. His eyes were mesmerizing and I ached to be closer to him in any possible way. He led me through the ballroom as we moved to the rythm of the soft music that was not so irritating now.

His fingers traced the laces on my back, toying with them. I inhaled sharply and he smirked at me, but we didn't stop dancing. I felt like we were the only ones in the entire room—I couldn't see anything except him. And I wanted it to stay that way.

I was dazed for a couple of seconds before he let go of me and stepped away.

I felt empty and for some reason exposed without his body shielding me from the people in the room.

"I'll bring us something to drink." It was a simple offer and it made me realize how thirsty I actually was. I nodded and moved to the side, so I don't bother anyone. My face was burning. Because of him.

Vronsky appeared seconds later with two wine glasses. Smiling up at him, I reached for one glass but instead of taking it like a normal person I managed to spill it all over my dress. I wanted to cry but he didn't look like it bothered him that I was practically ruined now. I tried to not cause a scene but it was hard. That was my favorite dress.

Tears prickled my eyes, but he didn't let me roll in self pity. "Don't worry. We just need to go somewhere more...private and I'll fix this. But look, now the dress completely matches your face." And he left without letting me respond to his comment. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die, but instead I waited for him.

He came with napkins and took my hand looking awfully suspicious. But I wasn't sure why. 

He looked around and saw that nobody was paying attention to us, though that was unexpected. Alexei smiled like he won the biggest prize and quickly led us through the backdoor of the ballroom. The rest of the house was empty and I swear he could hear my rapid heartbeat along with pulsing in my ears.

I knew what he wanted and where he was going. I was glad I knew his mind so well that he became predictable to me. I knew his desires and dreams and I couldn't help but wish I was one of them.

His white uniform matched perfectly with my much darker dress. Though Alexei was perfectly put together, while I was...the opposite.

We entered some dark room I didn't recognize. It was large but almost empty. It looked like someone's personal gallery. There was a desk in the corner along with some bookshelves. He closed the door. Then locked it. 

My head immediately turned to him, "There is no reason to lock the door, Alexei," I smiled innocently. "We aren't doing anything wrong." 

A moment passed between us. I scanned the shelves and touched the hard spines with golden embroidery. I tried to act like a fool, but I knew.

"We are about to."

And that did it. It made me completely lose my self control as I was throwing away the last pieces of dignity I had tonight. He practically marched towards me and grabbed my neck as he gently placed his mouth on mine. He knew I had absolutely no experience with men, so he was going easy on me. For now.

My whole body was on fire while he almost unnoticeably squeezed my neck. I moaned into his mouth and Vronsky towered over me, leading me back with his body. I was going backwards until I hit the large shelves. 

"Stop me before it's too late," he gasped into my neck. It was intoxicating. Everything about him, about the way he moved to the way he touched me was addicting I wasn't sure I would be able to stop.

"I won't," was all I said, but it made him aware that I was willing to give myself to him completely.

"You said you will take care of my dress," I added, still playing innocent, even if what we were doing was far from that. 

"And I'm planning to do just that," he said as he turned me. I was now facing shelves, my back to him. It gave him complete access to my corset. Which he began to untie immediately. He was skilled with his hands, I realized just now. It made my stomach turn in very unfamiliar way. I didn't know what kind of influence he actually had on me, but I liked it. It made me careless and stupid, but I was in control my whole life. It was nice to give it to someone else now.

Corset was down and my whole body felt hypersensitive for whatever reason. I wanted him to do so many things but I didn't know how to ask or if I was supposed to anyway. So I let him play with me.

"Turn, dorogaya," he whispered from behind and I obeyed. The nickname made me want to grab him and kiss his whole face. Then he went down. "I'm going to make you see stars." 

That was the last thing he said before taking down my skirt and the rest of the undergarments until I was stripped bare in front of him. But I was surprised I wasn't the least bit ashamed. Somehow, this felt completely ordinary with him. I was scared to move. I didn't know what or how to do anything. 

He naturally noticed and smiled, but not in a mocking way. His smile was so sweet I melted. 

"Touch me wherever you want. And however you want. Don't be afraid." That gave me a bit of confidence, so I looked down at him, on his knees. The image before me made me feel things I didn't know I was capable of feeling. I ran my hand through his hair and he closed his eyes, while his eyelids fluttered. 

It seemed like I had the same effect on him. Then I did something that made me question myself. I led his head down, in between my legs and I saw him smirk, but he knew what to do. 

The first time I felt his tongue on me was the closest I'll be to setting myself on fire. I gripped his hair on instinct. 

His mouth was doing wonders to me. I felt every sensation of it through my entire body. My head fell on the shelves and I had to press down a moan. Was this supposed to be this intense? He stopped using his mouth and continued with fingers while continuously kissing my lower stomach.

Vronsky did everything with patience and commitment. I didn't know why I thought this would be any different. I made a noise that sounded painful, but only because he was moving so slowly and torturedmewith his fingers. He shot me a concerned look, "Should I stop?"

"No, no, nonono," I cried out. I felt hard pressure building in my lower stomach and I grew dizzy. He went faster but then stopped and my hips buckled, while I was fighting the urge to do something myself. "Please continue," I pleaded.

"How could I not when you beg me so pretty?" He cocked his head and continued working me much faster this time, but still gentle. He took his time with me, looking at my reactions to certain movements, the sounds I was trying not to make, my face expressions. He knew what he was doing and he did it so well that It actually made me see stars. I choked on a scream as I was trying to catch a breath. My knees buckled and I felt I was closer to the edge.

He switched to his mouth again and Alexei's tongue finished the job. He put my leg over his shoulder to get better access and that completely pushed me.

I finished on his mouth and seconds later went down with him. He held me as I was trying to even out my breathing. "Can we do it again?" I surprised myself by asking.

He smiled down at me, "When you become countess, yes."

[theamityelf]

Some angst for the Survivors Killing Game AU.

In the Survivors Killing Game AU, I'm going to say Hina dies. Because that would be devastating (and also because if I let every single brown girl live in all of my AUs, people are going to start to suspect I have a bias toward them, which of course I do).

But most of all, because of the drama potential.

Like, everyone would be sad, because Hina is a really positive person who they like having around. (With his characterization reset by memory erasure, Byakuya pretends not to be bummed out, but he is.) Shuichi got pretty close to Hina, after Hajime suggested he hang out with her and Akane, so he feels both sad to lose a friend and kind of guilty that he wasn't with her. (The main thing keeping him from feeling very guilty is the fact that he only wasn't with Hina at the time because he was with Akane. More on that later!!)

No one is as devastated by the loss as Makoto is. She was one of his closest remaining friends, and she died not remembering a major part of her life, like so many of his other friends. The 78th class have so few left, and they had to lose more. And he knows his friends don't feel the loss now in the way they will later, and that's just more miserable, that promise of grief in the future. He knows what it's like, to suddenly feel the grief deepen as the memories return.

Makoto checks out hard. Not quite like Taka, but it's still pretty bad. He has this dull, shell-shocked expression, and he does not have his usual energy in that whole trial. He still points out contradictions, but instead of a high "No, that's wrong!" it's a low, "That's not true." The energy is not one of powering through the grief by the sheer strength of his convictions, but more of a "Hope keeps on going. And going, and going, and going. And it can't afford to stop." Himiko and Fuyuhiko are really worried about him (and express it in their various ways), but he reacts with a kind of detached confusion, like "Why would anyone worry about me, when Hina's dead?"

(Extra suffering if one of his friends (maybe Syo) was the killer.)

By this point in the story, Naehinahara have been sharing a lot of time and have dabbled in bed-sharing, but after this case, suddenly Hajime is keeping his distance. He sends other people to keep Makoto company.

And Shuichi eventually confronts him about why this is, recalling, "The night that Hina died...you told me to go check on Akane."

Hajime says nothing. His back is turned to Shuichi as he attends to some task. Maybe laundry. But he paused to listen, so he isn't moving.

"You were checking up on Nevermind, and you told me to go spend some time with Akane. The killer was looking for people who were by themselves, so my being with her at that time...it probably saved her life."

Hajime continues to say nothing.

"You had to make a choice, right? It makes sense if you chose your own friend."

"It wasn't just Akane or Asahina," Hajime says quietly. "There are so many people to keep straight, and...it was going to happen. I had to...prioritize. I had to think about how everyone would react to any given death. Maybe someone like Asahina will make them pause for longer. Maybe seeing how her death devastated him will mean they won't suspect Makoto next time. If there is a next time. And...yes, I...had to prevent it from happening to any of my friends. I couldn't...allow it, to be one of mine."

Shuichi understands that much easily. Deciding internally which people one can and can't afford to lose comes with the territory of being in a killing game, as awful as it feels. "You think Makoto wouldn't understand that?"

"Would you, if it were Yumeno?"

Don't say that, please don't. "...He's not me."

"Even if he can forgive it, he shouldn't have to. I won't put the weight of my choice on him right now, and I also won't allow myself to benefit from him not knowing. Don't discuss this with him. Okay?"

And the dread that has been tightening Shuichi's chest throughout the conversation now puts a lump in his throat. Hajime will keep his friends alive. Shuichi and Makoto have very little power to do the same. Will it be Himiko next?

Hajime finally turns toward him. He seems to know exactly what Shuichi is thinking. He looks tired and makes no defense for himself. "Be with him for me, please. The others can't understand what he's going through."

He was planning on returning to Makoto after this anyway, but...That sounds a little too similar to his suggestion that he spend time with Akane that night. "Will something happen?" he has to ask.

"Not tonight. Everyone is tired."

"Would you tell me if something was going to happen?"

Hajime takes a few steps closer. He strokes Shuichi's bangs out of his eyes and momentarily rests his head against his. "I don't know," he answers quietly.

Then he withdraws and walks away.

[adhdo5]

A thing that bothers me about postcanon Xiyaos is that they tend to want to be fixit Xiyaos and in the process not only make it weird but also erase a lot of the appeal of postcanon Xiyao in general. Like I understand why people want to write LXC as purely regretful and oh how I could have killed that guy he was all that mattered in the world but like. He wasn't?

Sorry to say this but as much as Xiyao-Wangxian parallels real and the world and universe a lot of the tragedy is in how Xiyao were never ever going to be able to prioritize like Wangxian were bc Xiyao cannot extricate what they want personally from what they want ideologically. And just saying that JGY's death undoes this in LXC is a) boring b) untrue to the character and c) honestly kind of cringe from a moral evaluation perspective? Yes the thing is in the narrative of MDZS the kind of priorities Xiyao have are futile, because MDZS is about the futility and arrogance of those priorities, and that's why Xiyao are never going to survive MDZS,– and I would certainly say they're misguided and mixed up with awful obligation nonsense, but they're not in fact bad priorities or stupid considerations to have on a grander scale and something focusing on resolving those issues has to expand from MDZS's themes and answer not "what if they simply went Wangxian 2 about it" but "given that they are not and can never be Wangxian and Wangxian happy ending doesn't work for them what kind of story DOES Xiyao happy ending happen in"

And first thing second: a lot of these answers tend to do the thing where their answer is "Xiyao at age 20 was Xiyao happy ending" which is again not only a boring answer but kind of a shitty one! First of all no the fuck it wasn't, otherwise they wouldn't have done all that; second of all Oh so you claim you want a-Yao happy ending and forgive him all his crimes but the only form you want him in is one that in some sense hasn't committed what you perceived as the worst of his crimes yet? The only form you want him in is Meng Yao who does your laundry and cries about needing your support and is only relieved, not angry, not resentful, who's powerless and Yet To Be Corrupted? You want him untainted and want a medal for having a different perception of what "tainted" means? That's what killed him the first time around! Nothing has changed! Xichen-ge, look out!

Fuck that shit!!! Reckon with his crimes! Reckon with the fact that LXC has genuine reason to distrust him and vice versa! They have genuine moral differences and circumstantial disparities and personal-moral grievances with each other no shallower than Nieyao do! Give Jin Guangyao his power and reckon with the things he did for and with it and figure out how they're going to live with that!! You wanna be a Jin Guangyao apologist? START APOLOGIZING

And fucking frankly Lan Xichen has some damn apologizing to do too!! A thing not enough of this talks about is how privilege-blind he is and how he never actually understands JGY's circumstances or the depth of his plight; MDZS if fucking anything asks us to sit with the fact that the world they live in is so cruel as to make those motives to do genuinely horrible inexcusable things legitimate by asking NMJ and LXC to sit with that and both NMJ and LXC fail to do so in turn bc they can't accept that about their society (and tragically even as he is proof positive of that neither can JGY!!!!!!)!!!!!

And the fixation on pre-Crimes Meng Yao is honestly just kind of fucked! It's such an unhinged idea that you should chase not just the lover but the shape of the love you had when you were literally barely out of your teens as life-defining! Not to overestimate LXC's ability to Get Over It, because I do believe that he kind of never does, but it's just so miserable both on the ~kinda fetishizing this dubiously extant Innocence (ew!!!) front but also on the front of like , and you're going to make this too into an obligation for a character defined and crushed by his obligations, and assume this obligation eclipses literally everything and everyone else he cares about??? Miserable! Amatonormative! Literal decades have passed and you're going to say all that character development for both of them didn't happen? For the sake of The One nonsense? I know we're writing fic for a novel where the main couple are Like That and again I'm writing this whole thing because frankly I like postcanon Xiyao I am attached and I am rooting for postcanon Xiyao to get together very easily!! But even Wangxian are absolutely changed by the 20 years and they are resolving ! The problems ! That prevented them from having a relationship before ! It's a whole thing whatever whatever

TL;DR: You are all so amatonormative + make Lan Xichen worse + free my man JGY he did all that shit but free him anyway + in MY postcanon TGCFlike they're divorced